On being afraid to be seen
Six years ago, I started a blog. I was writing a ton at the time, and even hired a business coach to help me get everything up and running. I had big plans with what I’d do with it once it was live, but my overarching intention was to connect with people through my words.
When my coach did an audit of my site, she noticed that I didn’t have any photos of myself. Nor did I even have my name on any page. The blog itself was named something arbitrary -- a name that kept my heart safely tucked behind a curtain of anonymous content.
I made excuses on why I wanted to stay unknown -- why my words should live by themselves without being identified with me. I gave up on the first try at blogging but I kept writing, filling journal after journal.
Flash forward to two years ago when I restarted my blog as part of an assignment at school. I pushed myself to share my posts with friends and family. And then eventually with the Internet world. And then eventually thought that if I was spending this much time writing, I may as well make it into my career in some form or another.
Flash forward to now, where I still want to hide behind an arbitrary name like I did six years ago and maybe kinda sorta feel super resistant when sharing what’s in my heart. Now, where I still want to hide behind flowery words and my (occasionally) impressive vocab rather than say it like it is. Now, where I still feel self-conscious that I’m being too seen.
Full disclosure: Normally if I read something I previously wrote, I hate it.
Seriously, I cringe at it and regularly delete old posts that no longer resonate rather than sending myself compassion for the version of me that wanted to share those words.
During this process, I’ll plot how I can make my writing more business-focused, more niche. Less triggering, less personal. More general, more pleasing. Less ‘me.’
Being seen feels so… UGH.
I’ve skirted around this feeling of being seen by compartmentalizing my life, art, and business. Work over there, art over here, personal life up there. But it doesn’t work for me; I am a human, not a set of neat and tidy boxes with predictable material.
So, I’ve committed to bringing my full self to my work; not just the curated parts but the parts that are willing to be wrong, look stupid, and, *sob*, be seen.
The parts that are not always cohesive or make sense. The parts that I sorta hate and want to avoid all together. The parts that are insecure of sharing all of those parts.
I offer these words in case you needed a reminder that whatever your art form is, your fear around sharing it is so, so valid. AND, sharing it is a way to be of service to your community, because even if your art deeply resonates with a single person, your work is done.
In the spirit of bringing my full self to my work rather than compartmentalizing, my podcast material and platform will be shifting to reflect my own changes soon.
Stay tuned ! And until then, keep showing up, my friends!